A lost interest in words

Writing my first book felt like the most important thing in the world. I would go out to dinner (a favorite event of mine) and feel an uncomfortable urgency to get back to my desk. I needed to finish this book, and I needed to finish it immediately. It needed to be done so I could publish it and get on with my life. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy the process of writing. In fact, writing was one of the first activities that I both enjoyed the idea of and the practice of. Unlike ballet. I love ballet shoes, and the smell of their soft pink leather. I love the shoes so much more than I love dancing across a room.

I finished my book, and it didn’t work out as I’d planned. I can be a bit delusional about my prospects for immediate success. My logical self understands that first books usually don’t pan out. You can’t base a career on a first book. When you write for ego, the story will lack some heart. No, you will not write a book and then start your life. Your life has been chugging this whole time. This is your life, this not publishing a book. 

I accept that now. I think I do. I’m not as bitter towards people who’s words appear in print. Actually, I’ve probably gone in the opposite direction. Those people have a certain something I just don’t. I’m ok with mediocrity. You don’t have to be special to enjoy life.  

Part of me feels very mature for accepting this and moving on. Writing was about being special. Perhaps a compulsion to nourish my ego. I recognize this, and the end result is that I have no more stories to tell. 

But part of me feels a loss. If it is not important that I write, then what is important? Sweeping the floor so that when I walk down the hall, dirt doesn’t stick to the bottom of my feet. Making sure there’s toilet paper in the bathroom, and that the dog has had her 2.5 hours of daily requisite physical activity. Eating. Being a good friend, a good girlfriend. Not causing too much trouble. 

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~ by Clickity Clack on June 16, 2014.

One Response to “A lost interest in words”

  1. Lack of instant success on a first book does not mean mediocrity nor not being special, it just means lack of initial commercial acceptance. What is important is to have tried and completed the work. Whether to follow the advice of “.. persistence alone is omnipotent” or to implement a plan B that includes writing in perhaps another way is of course up to the writer. But not many can complete a book and for anyone that can, that gift and expression should not be ignored.

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