Wednesday: Is there only accomplishment in death?

I remember feeling as though I finished things.  It was just a few years ago when I could experience a sense of accomplishment over crossing something off a list.  Laundry? Complete.  Finals? Done.  Bikram yoga teacher training?  Executed.

But even though I have spent more time on this novel than any other waking activity, I rarely feel as though I’ve accomplished anything, and I am perpetually tense and mildly guilty, as if I’ve spent the last year and a half watching daytime television instead of doing my part to be a team player in humanity’s social structure.  Even eating dinner has turned into this endless process that is only complete when I finally fall asleep.

I still go through the motions.  I keep schedules, make to-do lists and cross things off.  But instead of giving me a sense of satisfaction, these actions end up making me feel as if I am playing an exhausting game of pretend.  Maybe my desperation for a sense of completion is misguided.  What does my preoccupation with accomplishment have to do with, really?  Perhaps being an adult requires a more sophisticated world view that sees charcoals and smoky grays.  I mean, do I really want to be done?

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~ by Clickity Clack on January 12, 2011.

2 Responses to “Wednesday: Is there only accomplishment in death?”

  1. Most def an age thing. Important to fall out of love w/ “to-do” and embrace detritus.

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